My 7-yr old spends most of her homeschool time in tantrums wanting to short-cut her work. We have tried everything from punishment to taking away free-time activities. I am at my wit's end and I don't know what to do to get her to do her school work without a meltdown every few minutes. Do you have any advice that may help? ~ Michigan Mom
Hi Michigan Mom,
Sounds like you feel you've tried everything to get your seven-year-old daughter to do school work, and you're frustrated that you have not been able to make her do her work without her having multiple tantrums. You may be seeing her as a difficult or defiant child because of the meltdowns.
My advice for homeschooling a difficult or defiant child
Here's the short version:
- Consider what you really want her to learn about learning at age seven
- Check your parenting defaults
- Learn more about child development
- Consider your child's actions to be communication and listen
- Reframe your picture of your child
- Accept what you cannot change; change what you can
Here's the thing:
- You cannot make learning happen.
- You're not in control of her.
- Her responses are her own.
If she learned to walk at twelve months old, you couldn't make her walk at ten months old.
If she learned to say "momma" at ten months old, you couldn't make her say "momma" at five months old.
If she was ready to sing the ABC song at three years old, you couldn't make her sing the song at one year old.
If she was ready to toilet train at two years old, you couldn't make her toilet train at eleven months.
It's all about what she is ready to do and what she is willing to do.
It's not about you or your desire for her to do schoolwork.
It's not about what is commonly taught in schools.
It's not about the age other children do school work or the age you did it when you were little.
It's not about what other seven-year-olds in your homeschool group do.
It's not about whether you can punish her enough to make her do schoolwork.
It's not about how important you believe it is for her to do schoolwork at age seven.
It's about what she is ready to do and what she is willing to do.
Let's break it down.
Learn to love learning
Did you know that many homeschoolers do no formal lessons at age seven? Some parents purposely choose to delay formal academic lessons—or "work"—for all of their children at that age; other parents simply wait until each individual child shows interest and developmental ability, whether that be at age five or age nine.
Parents may offer the following learning experiences to children of any age:
- reading aloud
- making art
- experiences to develop number sense
- science experiments
- field trips
- cooking together
- rich play times
- PBS documentaries
- nature walks
Then they can follow a child's lead as to when or whether a child is ready for more formal "work."
There is a lot of evidence that this relaxed approach to learning at the beginning is what helps a child develop a positive relationship to learning in general.
What we really want children to learn at age seven is to love learning. What we really don't want is children to associate school work with punishment and loss of free-time activities.
What we really don't want is to leave them with the perception that schoolwork is so terrible, that people only do it if they are bribed or punished.
Check your parenting defaults
Many times, parents who use punishment to try to "make" kids do work are dependent on an authoritarian or behavior modification model of parenting.
In my opinion, the authoritative model of parenting is more effective and has longer-term results than the authoritarian parenting model based on punishments and rewards (behavior modification).
Yes, I wish the words "authoritative" and "authoritarian" were more distinct, too. They sound too much alike. In any case, you can read more about how parents who are new to homeschooling may benefit from considering how they parent and how that may affect their kids' responses to homeschooling. You may be fortunate in that your child is showing you early that this type of parenting has its limits.
Some children are more compliant and like to please others.
Some children find their parents' preferred approach to schoolwork to be engaging at an early age.
Some children are more responsive to the behavior modification approach of rewards and punishments, which are common in our schools as well as in many families.
In other words, the authoritarian model of parenting works often enough that we can begin to believe it is the ideal.
When children are young, it may even be difficult to see the downside when this approach is overused, though the downside generally emerges in the tween and teen years, sometimes along with rocky family relationships.
But some children are like your daughter, and no amount of punishment can or will move her into compliance, even at age seven. That may not be due to her willfulness or intent to disobey, but due to her own sense of her developmental readiness. Which brings us to your need to --
Learn more about child development
Children develop along some common timelines, but there are wide ranges of what is considered normal. It's not uncommon for seven-year-olds to be unable to cooperate with certain types of formal lessons or "work." Many homeschooling parents of children this age use brief five- to eight-minute lessons multiple times a day, interspersed with play, joy, and companionable learning activities such as reading aloud or cooking together. Your child may not be ready for more than this.
You can keep learning informal so none of it is assigned "work" that a child must be "made" to do. More children are ready for that. Learn more about how individual children develop and learn.
Reframe your child's "defiance" with these thoughts:
- If she could do better, she would do better.
- She's not giving me a hard time, she's having a hard time.
In fact, if you have begun thinking of her as a difficult or defiant child, consider how that label is shaping your interactions with her. Try to see her without the label, remembering the two bullet points above. This will help you see her fully as the little girl she is, one who needs your help rather than punishment.
Your homeschooled child's response is telling you something
Your child's responses are telling you that she is not ready for this. She's communicating to you that even punishment and loss of privileges aren't enough to force her into it.
What will you do with this information?
Change what you can
You cannot change your daughter's responses. You cannot change her readiness. You can wait for it. You can encourage it. You can change how you set her up for success. You can:
- Have shorter lessons
- Have learning embedded in daily life
- Stop thinking of homeschooling as something she has to do, and think instead of how you can learn together
- Stop associating punishments with learning
- Change your homeschool curriculum or homeschool approach
- Emphasize developing a love of learning
- Use Plan B —Ross Greene's approach to address causes rather than outward behaviors
Finally, a child who has had negative experiences with school or homeschooling may take some time to recover natural curiosity and interest in school work. Although your child is young and may not have even been to school, consider using my tips for deschooling rather than greater application of typical schoolwork or more emphatic punishments.
I think you'd benefit from reading our five-part series on parental deschooling. Even if your child has never attended school, you—like many homeschool parents—may have attended school, and we live in a society where assumptions about school and required school work can reduce the effectiveness of home education.
In closing, in case you haven't heard them, I have two rules of homeschooling:
- Do what works.
- Stop doing what doesn't work
- Corollary: if anyone is crying, it's not working.
You can't change the child, and you can't make her do the work. Change the homeschooling.
Good luck! I'll be thinking of you as you make one of the most valuable paradigm shifts a homeschooling parent can make!
Jeanne
Additional thoughts: consider underlying learning differences or disabilities (seek testing if necessary) and consider underlying sensory issues. Some of my 7 year old's defiance is related to his need for regulation through sensory experiences, including deep pressure and proprioception challenges (aka moving his head and body through space). When he's more regulated, it's easier to do school work. I want to echo the article, minimize your school day and find alternative ways to teach the subject to make it more engaging. Homeschooling does not have to look like traditional schooling with a kid sitting at a desk writing in a workbook. Sure, there's probably some of that, but be creative with what you can! Good luck!
Yes! When kids have learning differences and disabilities, they may struggle with typical school work and exhibit some challenging behaviors. If you want to seek the testing Kate mentions, you'll be looking for an educational psychologist. Some health insurance plans will pay for this testing, and some will not. School divisions may administer this kind of testing to their own school students, but most are not required to extend the services to homeschooled students who live in their districts (unless they are learning remotely at home through a public school program). Because the testing is expensive, in many school divisions, it's challenging to even get the testing set up for school students.
Learning how to adjust homeschooling to meet these kids' needs is a form of accommodations, similar to when schools provide accommodations for some differently abled students.
Kate, thank you for your comment.
Looking forward,
Jeanne
I first want to say, you are a good mom and you are doing the right thing trying to find out ways to help your child. Every child is different, so works for one may not work for another. I have a daughter who is actually diagnosed as Oppositional Defiant Disorder, so believe me we have been through all the struggles and work refusal. We did not start homeschooling until 6th grade, and she is now in 10th grade. I assign a fair amount of work for her each week, knowing that we get through what we get through and the rest will be finished later. There are weeks she gets everything done early and he celebrate! There are weeks where she won't do any work until Sunday, and then she sits down and finishes it all that day. She is now used to doing some of her work on a weekend or through the summer in order to take her breaks throughout the year when she wants them. That's something we worked on for years as a trade-off. I do want to share that when she was in first grade (by this point we had struggled through preschool, kindergarten, and part of her first grade year) her teachers were concerned with her work refusal, even on what they thought were simple tasks. Then one day the teacher noticed she held her pencil funny and referred her for an occupational therapy evaluation. Turns out she had fine motor skill delays that no one had figured out before. After a year of OT, she was doing so much better. That is always one thing I tell families with younger children struggling with school is to have OT and sensory skills checked out. It did not fix all her issues, but it certainly gave her confidence to become more engaged in her schoolwork. It also taught us to give her less tasks with handwriting and scissors, and to break down writing assignments into multiple days because the physical fatigue was too hard for her to handle. Good luck to you! You will get lots of suggestions. Try them out to see what works. If something doesn't work now, maybe it will work in a year or two as your child grows.
You make such good points, Dulcie. As homeschool advocate Julie Bogart of Bravewriter has been known to say, "Help helps." Sometimes our kids have specific challenges that are hard to see on the surface. If we detect them (or someone assisting us with our child detects specific challenges) and provide appropriate help, the child is truly helped! And things improve!
As you say, many times this won't "fix" all issues, but we can do a lot of accommodating, also, allowing our child to make more progress.
Appreciate your story.
Looking forward,
Jeanne
Oh how I wish I'd gotten my child neuropsych tested much earlier! We FINALLY discovered her Asperger's / High Functioning Autism at the end of her junior year of high school. All those years of trying to grow her into a horse, only to find out she was always meant to be a zebra, and she is a pretty healthy, normal zebra, at that!
Tears and tantrums were part of our daily routine, even up to junior year... I would have handled situations differently if I had known these were autistic meltdowns, not "temper tantrums" per se. I read some of Temple Grandin's work on autistic folks and their sensory sensitivities and the tests she's had run on her own brain and how there are actual measurable differences in brain function... it has added orders of magnitude to my patience and grace for her AND myself.
I have also decided to use video lessons for a few subjects - it is a relief to not have to teach EVERYTHING myself.
A book that helped me understand more is Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism by Barry Prizant, which has won the Temple Grandin Award for the Outstanding Literary Work in Autism.
I also recommend Raising Human Beings by Ross Greene.
Your zebra is fortunate to have you as her mom, Sarah. Thanks for adding to the picture of challenging kids with your comment.
Looking forward,
Jeanne
I started homeschooling my 4 year old in January. She turns 5 tomorrow. We have been learning numbers 1-8 and letters A-E. She says she wants to do school all the time, but when we’re doing it she refuses to say the right answers. I’m afraid I’m causing her to fall behind. I’ve been told by the state of Georgia 5 year olds must know their numbers to 100. Meanwhile mine doesn’t even know to 8 yet. Mine also can’t get past letter C in the alphabet. Even if I say what the answer is she refuses to say the answer immediately after. She still says it wrong. This happens even while doing fun activities to learn not formal work.
Hi Mikayela,
We parents feel concerned when our kids don't meet official standards.
State education standards can be helpful in letting us know the skills and knowledge some children are ready to learn. They can help parents be on the lookout as to whether a child would benefit from more practice or a specific service or extra help.
On the other hand, standards sometimes fail to take into account that children develop on individual timelines. There is often a wider range of "normal" as to when children acquire certain skills or knowledge.
Children also have different personalities and interests. Some 4-year-olds may resist "performing" what they know. They can also become anxious about whether they will get the right answer, so "refusing" to answer protects them from making mistakes. Some kids even resist "fun" activities because the "fun" is not their own agenda or because they sense they are being "tricked" into learning. In these cases, trying to force "standards" can actually backfire.
There are all kinds of approaches to homeschooling. Some parents would not be actively trying to teach a 4-year-old academics yet, believing those skills are better for a child to be asked to learn at 5, 6, or 7.
Other parents may not actively teach letters and numbers, but they would expect to see their child gradually picking up that knowledge in a natural way, as parents read aloud and parents and children draw together and do other things together.
It's not my area of expertise, so I can't know if a particular child would benefit from extra help or more time to develop or less pressure or more instruction or a different approach. If you are concerned, you could speak to your child's pediatrician or a child development professional for guidance. You may also try other approaches or giving her more time to develop, while still in a rich environment of reading aloud and spending time with you—or all of the above.
Sending you best wishes,
Jeanne
I agree with this answer! What I would say is, write down your most important, main goals for what your child really NEEDS to learn and know for where they are at developmentally. Then, teach those things to your child in whatever way they like to learn it most. That’s part of the beauty of homeschooling. You don’t have to have your child tied down to a specific curriculum. The important thing is that they enjoy learning (as much as they can), while also learning what they NEED to know. Also, once you have those specific core goals of what they NEED to know down, and you go with how they like to learn it, let them decide what THEY WANT to learn about, and explore those things. Also, don’t push them too hard. Just do a little bit here and there if you have to. That’s the other beauty of homeschooling. They don’t have to do an entire math lesson in one sitting. Break it up. Try and make it so it’s as painless for them as possible, while still getting them to learn what they need to. Hope that helps.
I almost cried reading this. I have felt like such an inadequate parent for not being able to encourage my 4.5 year old to do any lessons and wondered if I should even be homeschooling. This was a beautiful reminder of WHY I wanted to homeschool in the first place. Thank you so, so much ❤️
Hi Mitzi,
I'm glad you found our article encouraging. Honestly, most 4 year olds will learn more if they don't notice any "lessons" at all. Playing is the key to learning at this age.
I bet you'll enjoy our article, What curriculum should I use for my 4-year-old?
Remembering why you wanted to homeschool can be a guiding light for you. Yes! You can do this! Sometimes we just have to resist the urge to do too much too soon.
Looking forward,
Jeanne
Hi Jeanne,
I would be what you consider an accidental/short-term homeschooler. I have come to the conclusion that I should homeschool my 7-year old son. He has struggled with math for some time, but has progressed since with math tutoring. Eventually, he did get math and reading support at school too. He needs to be strengthened in his writing and his teacher said math skills are inconsistent. It seems like there is always a problem, but he does well one-on-one at school and at home. I plan to homeschool him for 7 months until he goes to his new school next fall. He is a visual and kinesthetic learner. Can you provide me with any advice as to what curriculum I could use from 1st-2nd grade that would support his learning and help me as a new homeschooler? Thank you,
Jeanette
Hi Jeanette - Although contributors to TheHomeSchoolMom are not able to provide individual consultations, if you haven't yet read Jeanne's article "How to Choose the Best Homeschool Curriculum," please do. It brings up a number of things to consider when choosing curriculum. You can also find reviews of a wide range of resources in our Curriculum Reviews area (linked in the main navigation). Best wishes to you and your son!
Hi Jeanne. I am making my way through your website now so apologies if I ask something that has already been addressed.
I am homeschooling my kids as a temporary measure due to covid. My sense is being given "work" or tasks to complete gives them a sense of stability because that is what they are used to. The 7-year-old is motivated by a sense of completion, and I don't have many issues with him other than some occasional missteps in trying to tailor the work to his level (he is bright, and traditional school never challenged him at all).
My trouble is with the 10-year-old, who is engaging in constant power struggles, refusing to work with me. I was hoping this would be an opportunity to work on study skills. Regular school is just too easy and doesn't require him to put forth much effort at all; he is developing some bad habits like rigid perfectionism that I suspct are inadvertently reinforced by his teachers. But he is generally not willing to work with me on study skills or anything else; he insists upon being independent but can't focus when I give him more challenging work. (He has ADHD and reads at a college level per diagnostic evaluation, math problem solving also three or four years advanced even though his rote arithmetic skills are average or below. He reads my college science textbooks for fun.)
I could get away with just doing only a bit of math with my older child until I send him back to school (he's in the advanced math class so I want to keep up his basic skills), but my younger child really does thrive with regular work, and it makes for a problematic dynamic if I have such different expectations of my children.
Any advice would be appreciated. Or if this is not an appropriate question since our expectations are very much tied to sending our kids back to public school eventually, that is okay too, I understand. Thank you!
I love this article and totally relate to it with my 12 1/2 year old. We have been in Classical Conversations since age 5 and up and until about 2 years ago things were pretty good. I provided a more relaxed educational environment even though we were in CC and she had lots of time in nature, visiting museums, being with friends, creating art, playing, reading; you name it. But 2 years ago something happened. That love of learning I worked so hard at fostering for years was beginning to disappear. As the academic demands started to rise, she began to separate learning from life and associate it with sitting down and cracking the books. I was sickened. Seriously. And here we are as she begins “7th grade” with sobs at the table regarding math (she seriously cannot stand it. Says it’s not how she thinks and that she gets sick doing it.) It’s a complete struggle and it is so sad. Other kids in our community are much further along in their math books and I know that shouldn’t rally concern me, but my other half is still in the mentality of school/books/ if she doesn’t start doing more work she’ll be sent to school. So I am frustrated. Our girl is very strong-willed, opinionated and tough to talk to sometimes due to her being constantly on defense. She’s starting to feel as if nothing she does is good enough. We have given her complete autonomy over her daily schedule and CC lessons and 3 weeks in she’s falling behind (in the sense that there are missed things she should’ve done, but of course no one but me is “grading” so we can scale to her needs). She resists my help but isn’t quite getting done what her father expects. I don’t know how I can help her succeed if she isn’t even willing to accept my help. It’s unfortunate that her dad and I aren’t really on the same page, because if we were I’d “unschool” her or at least stop holding her to the academic standards of CC, etc. We want to encourage her to do the hard things to succeed, not give up, but also want to be realistic about who she is.
Any suggestions?!?!?!
Hi Lisa - That sounds like a frustrating situation. I think you will find Jeanne's post "Homeschool Problem Red Flags: Resistance and Resentment" helpful for dealing with this in a way that can get both you and your husband on board. You can find it using our search form above. Good luck!