My 7-yr old spends most of her homeschool time in tantrums wanting to short-cut her work. We have tried everything from punishment to taking away free-time activities. I am at my wit's end and I don't know what to do to get her to do her school work without a meltdown every few minutes. Do you have any advice that may help? ~ Michigan Mom
Hi Michigan Mom,
Sounds like you feel you've tried everything to get your seven-year-old daughter to do school work, and you're frustrated that you have not been able to make her do her work without her having multiple tantrums. You may be seeing her as a difficult or defiant child because of the meltdowns.
My advice for homeschooling a difficult or defiant child
Here's the short version:
- Consider what you really want her to learn about learning at age seven
- Check your parenting defaults
- Learn more about child development
- Consider your child's actions to be communication and listen
- Reframe your picture of your child
- Accept what you cannot change; change what you can
Here's the thing:
- You cannot make learning happen.
- You're not in control of her.
- Her responses are her own.
If she learned to walk at twelve months old, you couldn't make her walk at ten months old.
If she learned to say "momma" at ten months old, you couldn't make her say "momma" at five months old.
If she was ready to sing the ABC song at three years old, you couldn't make her sing the song at one year old.
If she was ready to toilet train at two years old, you couldn't make her toilet train at eleven months.
It's all about what she is ready to do and what she is willing to do.
It's not about you or your desire for her to do school work.
It's not about what is commonly taught in schools.
It's not about the age other children do school work or the age you did it when you were little.
It's not about what other seven-year-olds in your homeschool group do.
It's not about whether you can punish her enough to make her do schoolwork.
It's not about how important you believe it is for her to do school work at age seven.
It's about what she is ready to do and what she is willing to do.
Let's break it down.
Learn to love learning
Did you know that many homeschoolers do no formal lessons at age seven? Some parents purposely choose to delay formal academic lessons—or "work"—for all of their children at that age; other parents simply wait until each individual child shows interest and developmental ability, whether that be at age five or age nine.
Parents may offer the following learning experiences to children of any age:
- reading aloud
- making art
- experiences to develop number sense
- science experiments
- field trips
- cooking together
- rich play times
- PBS documentaries
- nature walks
Then they can follow a child's lead as to when or whether a child is ready for more formal "work."
There is a lot of evidence that this relaxed approach to learning at the beginning is what helps a child develop a positive relationship to learning in general.
What we really want children to learn at age seven is to love learning. What we really don't want is children to associate school work with punishment and loss of free-time activities.
What we really don't want is to leave them with the perception that schoolwork is so terrible, that people only do it if they are bribed or punished.
Check your parenting defaults
Many times parents who use punishment to try to "make" kids do work are dependent on an authoritarian or behavior modification model of parenting.
In my opinion, the authoritative model of parenting is more effective and has longer-term results than the authoritarian parenting model based on punishments and rewards (behavior modification).
Yes, I wish the words "authoritative" and "authoritarian" were more distinct, too. They sound too much alike. In any case, you can read more about how parents who are new to homeschooling may benefit from considering how they parent and how that may affect their kids' responses to homeschooling. You may be fortunate in that your child is showing you early that this type of parenting has its limits.
Some children are more compliant and like to please others.
Some children find their parents' preferred approach to schoolwork to be engaging at an early age.
Some children are more responsive to the behavior modification approach of rewards and punishments, which are common in our schools as well as in many families.
In other words, the authoritarian model of parenting works often enough that we can begin to believe it is the ideal.
When children are young, it may even be difficult to see the downside when this approach is overused, though the downside generally emerges in the tween and teen years, sometimes along with rocky family relationships.
But some children are like your daughter, and no amount of punishment can or will move her into compliance, even at age seven. That may not be due to her willfulness or intent to disobey, but due to her own sense of her developmental readiness. Which brings us to your need to --
Learn more about child development
Children develop along some common timelines, but there are wide ranges of what is considered normal. It's not uncommon for seven-year-olds to be unable to cooperate with certain types of formal lessons or "work." Many homeschooling parents of children this age use brief five- to eight-minute lessons multiple times a day, interspersed with play, joy, and companionable learning activities such as reading aloud or cooking together. Your child may not be ready for more than this.
You can keep learning informal so none of it is assigned "work" that a child must be "made" to do. More children are ready for that. Learn more about how individual children develop and learn.
Reframe your child's "defiance" with these thoughts:
- If she could do better, she would do better.
- She's not giving me a hard time, she's having a hard time.
In fact, if you have begun thinking of her as a difficult or defiant child, consider how that label is shaping your interactions with her. Try to see her without the label, remembering the two bullet points above. This will help you see her fully as the little girl she is, one who needs your help rather than punishment.
Your homeschooled child's response is telling you something
Your child's responses are telling you that she is not ready for this. She's communicating to you that even punishment and loss of privileges aren't enough to force her into it.
What will you do with this information?
Change what you can
You cannot change your daughter's responses. You cannot change her readiness. You can wait for it. You can encourage it. You can change how you set her up for success. You can:
- Have shorter lessons
- Have learning embedded in daily life
- Stop thinking of homeschooling as something she has to do, and think instead of how you can learn together
- Stop associating punishments with learning
- Change your homeschool curriculum or homeschool approach
- Emphasize developing a love of learning
- Use Plan B —Ross Greene's approach to address causes rather than outward behaviors
Finally, a child who has had negative experiences with school or homeschooling may take some time to recover natural curiosity and interest in school work. Although your child is young and may not have even been to school, consider using my tips for deschooling rather than greater application of typical schoolwork or more emphatic punishments.
I think you'd benefit from reading our five-part series on parental deschooling. Even if your child has never attended school, you—like many homeschool parents—may have attended school, and we live in a society where assumptions about school and required school work can reduce the effectiveness of home education.
In closing, in case you haven't heard them, I have two rules of homeschooling:
- Do what works.
- Stop doing what doesn't work
- Corollary: if anyone is crying, it's not working.
You can't change the child, and you can't make her do the work. Change the homeschooling.
Good luck! I'll be thinking of you as you make one of the most valuable paradigm shifts a homeschooling parent can make!
Jeanne
I agree with this answer! What I would say is, write down your most important, main goals for what your child really NEEDS to learn and know for where they are at developmentally. Then, teach those things to your child in whatever way they like to learn it most. That’s part of the beauty of homeschooling. You don’t have to have your child tied down to a specific curriculum. The important thing is that they enjoy learning (as much as they can), while also learning what they NEED to know. Also, once you have those specific core goals of what they NEED to know down, and you go with how they like to learn it, let them decide what THEY WANT to learn about, and explore those things. Also, don’t push them too hard. Just do a little bit here and there if you have to. That’s the other beauty of homeschooling. They don’t have to do an entire math lesson in one sitting. Break it up. Try and make it so it’s as painless for them as possible, while still getting them to learn what they need to. Hope that helps.
I almost cried reading this. I have felt like such an inadequate parent for not being able to encourage my 4.5 year old to do any lessons and wondered if I should even be homeschooling. This was a beautiful reminder of WHY I wanted to homeschool in the first place. Thank you so, so much ❤️
Hi Mitzi,
I'm glad you found our article encouraging. Honestly, most 4 year olds will learn more if they don't notice any "lessons" at all. Playing is the key to learning at this age.
I bet you'll enjoy our article, What curriculum should I use for my 4-year-old?
Remembering why you wanted to homeschool can be a guiding light for you. Yes! You can do this! Sometimes we just have to resist the urge to do too much too soon.
Looking forward,
Jeanne
Hi Jeanne,
I would be what you consider an accidental/short-term homeschooler. I have come to the conclusion that I should homeschool my 7-year old son. He has struggled with math for some time, but has progressed since with math tutoring. Eventually, he did get math and reading support at school too. He needs to be strengthened in his writing and his teacher said math skills are inconsistent. It seems like there is always a problem, but he does well one-on-one at school and at home. I plan to homeschool him for 7 months until he goes to his new school next fall. He is a visual and kinesthetic learner. Can you provide me with any advice as to what curriculum I could use from 1st-2nd grade that would support his learning and help me as a new homeschooler? Thank you,
Jeanette
Hi Jeanette - Although contributors to TheHomeSchoolMom are not able to provide individual consultations, if you haven't yet read Jeanne's article "How to Choose the Best Homeschool Curriculum," please do. It brings up a number of things to consider when choosing curriculum. You can also find reviews of a wide range of resources in our Curriculum Reviews area (linked in the main navigation). Best wishes to you and your son!
Hi Jeanne. I am making my way through your website now so apologies if I ask something that has already been addressed.
I am homeschooling my kids as a temporary measure due to covid. My sense is being given "work" or tasks to complete gives them a sense of stability because that is what they are used to. The 7-year-old is motivated by a sense of completion, and I don't have many issues with him other than some occasional missteps in trying to tailor the work to his level (he is bright, and traditional school never challenged him at all).
My trouble is with the 10-year-old, who is engaging in constant power struggles, refusing to work with me. I was hoping this would be an opportunity to work on study skills. Regular school is just too easy and doesn't require him to put forth much effort at all; he is developing some bad habits like rigid perfectionism that I suspct are inadvertently reinforced by his teachers. But he is generally not willing to work with me on study skills or anything else; he insists upon being independent but can't focus when I give him more challenging work. (He has ADHD and reads at a college level per diagnostic evaluation, math problem solving also three or four years advanced even though his rote arithmetic skills are average or below. He reads my college science textbooks for fun.)
I could get away with just doing only a bit of math with my older child until I send him back to school (he's in the advanced math class so I want to keep up his basic skills), but my younger child really does thrive with regular work, and it makes for a problematic dynamic if I have such different expectations of my children.
Any advice would be appreciated. Or if this is not an appropriate question since our expectations are very much tied to sending our kids back to public school eventually, that is okay too, I understand. Thank you!
I love this article and totally relate to it with my 12 1/2 year old. We have been in Classical Conversations since age 5 and up and until about 2 years ago things were pretty good. I provided a more relaxed educational environment even though we were in CC and she had lots of time in nature, visiting museums, being with friends, creating art, playing, reading; you name it. But 2 years ago something happened. That love of learning I worked so hard at fostering for years was beginning to disappear. As the academic demands started to rise, she began to separate learning from life and associate it with sitting down and cracking the books. I was sickened. Seriously. And here we are as she begins “7th grade” with sobs at the table regarding math (she seriously cannot stand it. Says it’s not how she thinks and that she gets sick doing it.) It’s a complete struggle and it is so sad. Other kids in our community are much further along in their math books and I know that shouldn’t rally concern me, but my other half is still in the mentality of school/books/ if she doesn’t start doing more work she’ll be sent to school. So I am frustrated. Our girl is very strong-willed, opinionated and tough to talk to sometimes due to her being constantly on defense. She’s starting to feel as if nothing she does is good enough. We have given her complete autonomy over her daily schedule and CC lessons and 3 weeks in she’s falling behind (in the sense that there are missed things she should’ve done, but of course no one but me is “grading” so we can scale to her needs). She resists my help but isn’t quite getting done what her father expects. I don’t know how I can help her succeed if she isn’t even willing to accept my help. It’s unfortunate that her dad and I aren’t really on the same page, because if we were I’d “unschool” her or at least stop holding her to the academic standards of CC, etc. We want to encourage her to do the hard things to succeed, not give up, but also want to be realistic about who she is.
Any suggestions?!?!?!
Hi Lisa - That sounds like a frustrating situation. I think you will find Jeanne's post "Homeschool Problem Red Flags: Resistance and Resentment" helpful for dealing with this in a way that can get both you and your husband on board. You can find it using our search form above. Good luck!