On the outside, it might look like we've got it all together.
We teach the kids, discipline them, make food for the family, take the kids to extracurricular activities, and clean (sometimes). Most of the time, we do it so well that even our husbands can get the impression that "it's all good" and that we can handle anything that is thrown at us with diligence and aplomb.
The reality, though, is that we often struggle. That we worry about whether we're doing enough, stress out about getting it all done, and even feel remarkably inadequate much of the time.
Even the most relaxed, competent, confident homeschool wives have their moments of doubt and despair. But as we soldier forward in dedication to our kids and families, it's not surprising that husbands don't see it; that they mistake efficiency for sufficiency. We've gotten pretty good at what we do. But that doesn't mean we don't need some support.
Even if we don't say it, we homeschool wives have at least a few things that we need from our husbands, to make this whole thing work:
1. We need you to communicate with us
One of the ways we are able to keep going along this homeschooling journey is by "talking it out". Remember, we spend the large majority of our time around people under the age of 18.
For most of our day, we can't even think our own thoughts because we're busy dealing with everyone else's thoughts and behavior. We crave adult interaction, and if you're the first adult who walks into the house, expect to be the one to fit the bill!
Talking with our spouse helps us connect with our partner, reconnect with ourselves as adults (separate from our roles as mothers and teachers), and recharge our spirits so that we can return to the task of pouring ourselves into our children. So take the time to talk with us.
A few minutes of engaged conversation will make all the difference in our attitude, outlook, and effectiveness.
2. We need you to just listen to us
A lot. When we come to you and say, "I've had enough. I can't do this anymore," we don't want you to give us 100 reasons why that's not true. We really want you to just listen and let us know how much you love us and believe in us.
It's hearing what we say and giving us emotional support, without offering solutions to the problem. This might seem like the same thing as needing you to communicate with us, but it's not.
Communicating together is when we both share to build intimacy and remind ourselves that we are a person beyond our roles. Your listening is about letting us get things off our chests and emotionally drain ourselves so that we can gain perspective and feel encouraged.
Think of it this way: If we're level-headed and calm, we want to communicate together (and hear what you have to say, too). If we're emotionally overwrought, we need you to just listen (although a few supportive statements like "I'm sorry, honey, I love you" or "That's really hard, but I think you're doing such a great job" are allowed)!
3. We need you to help us get away
We love homeschooling. We love our children. But we don't want to be responsible for both every single second of every day.
Just as you need downtime when you return home from work and on your days off, we need the opportunity to get away and do something for ourselves. The difference between what we do and working outside the home is that we never get to "come home" from our work…our work is the home!
We need you to encourage us to take time for ourselves, away from the house and kids, on a regular basis – and to provide the help and support to make it happen!
Give us a night on the town with the girls, or a trip to get a pedicure. Anything that is away from the house, away from kids, and that gets us back in touch with who we are as persons separate from "Mom".
4. We need you to wear the "Responsible" hat
Because we're with the kids 24/7, we have to be consistent about schedules, discipline, and just about everything else to keep the household running. It's a lot of work, and it rarely has a discernible sense of completion. But we'd like to be fun, too!
When you take on some of the responsibilities around the house, including being consistent about disciplining the kids, it allows us the freedom to be less structured, less responsible, less "the heavy", and to just enjoy the kids.
Doing a load of laundry, making sure the kids eat a balanced meal, or handling the issue when Johnny responds disrespectfully are simple ways you can ease us from the burden of always being "Mrs. Responsible".
5. We need you to be sure there is enough money in the budget
We need funds for homeschool curricula and for you to prioritize these resources as just as important as other things that we value. We don't have the energy to battle educating the kids and battle being able to acquire the resources to do so. Having the right "stuff" for teaching makes all the difference in how effectively we can homeschool, as well as how we feel about the job we're able to do. And to really keep us going, we need to be able to buy a few homeschool "extras", too – resources beyond the textbooks and straight curricula that make learning fun, interesting, and exciting (science project kits, anyone?).
6. We need your encouragement
Homeschooling is hard. It's wonderful and fulfilling and worthwhile, but it is also difficult. It is, in fact, most likely the hardest thing we've ever done. We need regular encouragement and support to keep going, because if we aren't getting what we need to be "ok", then we can't give anything out to our kids.
We need to hear on a daily basis that you're proud of us, that you appreciate what we're doing, and especially what you appreciate about what we're doing. Don't ever assume that we know you think we're doing a good job. Tell us, and tell us often.
7. We need you to care about homeschooling, and show it
Not just in an "Of course I care about it; you're investing in our kids" kind of way, but more in a "Hey, man – you gotta tell me what happened in the game last night" or "Check out my new iPad 2" kind of way.
Ask us questions each day about how it went. Find out what the kids are learning, and what their strengths and weaknesses are. Learn what curriculum we're using for Science, and why we chose it over the other curriculum. Listen to our questions about whether we should move on to the next concept, or spend some more time reviewing.
Take the time and energy to really see what we're doing, and to show interest in it. Knowing we're not alone in the homeschooling journey can be the single biggest factor in how successful we are at it.
8. We need you to prioritize time for just the two of us
Our marriage must be a priority. It is very easy for us to get caught up in focusing everything on the kids, and for all of our energy and time to go toward them.
We need you to get us away from the children and give us time with just you in an environment completely different from the home. You come home on your time off, to get some rest from your work environment, but we have to get away to get a break from our work environment.
Plan regular date nights for just the two of us and periodic weekend trips away in order to help us reconnect with our roles as husband and wife. The stronger and healthier our marriage is, the more energy and resources we will have to be the best educators we can be.
Rebecca Capuano holds a Master of Social Work degree from East Carolina University and is the stay-at-home mom of three children (one of whom is in heaven). She also makes attempts at being a homeschooler, writer, photographer, scrapbooker, and truth-seeker. She has worked in a variety of capacities (including group homes, day treatment centers, and public schools) with at-risk children and staff, including developing a therapeutic and educational day treatment center for delinquent youth in Wilmington, North Carolina. She currently resides in Virginia. Rebecca believes that family is created by God as the most fundamental institution in society, and she is dedicated to helping families nurture their children to become responsible persons of character and integrity.
What if she tells me she doesnt need a break from the kids for us and doesnt want time with just us. I explain it is important to see a healthy family structure for the kids and for us, but everything she does is for the kids, even all weekend with sports and whatever activities planned. if we do get out she talks about them, wants to shop for them, and doesnt show real interest in any other conversation. if we just talk small talk or planning and they walk right up and interrupt and she will drop the conversation to talk with them. It is like our marriage and our relationship just isnt important anymore. When talking about it she just gets mad and explains how we dont have the same lives and she is tired or just doesnt have time or money or trusted people for trips or dates. I try to help as much as i can just nothing seems to make a difference. Ideas?
I'm not a counselor or therapist, but I observe that marriages can suffer when either or both of the people in them stop prioritizing their relationship. All kinds of "other activities" can seem to be part "cause" and part "effect"—whether one of the partners is prioritizing golf, shopping, work, watching sports TV, decorating, homeschooling/kids or something else—to the exclusion of connecting with their spouse.
Homeschooling really can be quite consuming and feel like an overwhelming responsibility, so sometimes the primary homeschooling parent gets sucked into spending all their energy meeting the kids' needs while excluding self-care and stops prioritizing their adult relationships. This might be gradual and without the realization that they are neglecting their marriage, or it might be a kind of escape from the marriage/spouse, or it might even be running toward some kind of fulfillment that is otherwise unmet for the homeschooling parent.
Sometimes a partner may not realize the ways they are contributing to the lack of prioritization. For example, it might seem okay for a spouse (or "other people") to talk about their work a lot, without realizing that when a homeschooling parent talks about their kids a lot, they are just doing the same thing—talking about their work. It can feel more excluding because the spouse is right there in the same household where other people (the kids) seem to be getting plenty of attention. If a partner gets upset about this and doesn't provide listening and support, the relationship will not be nurtured. On the other hand, maybe listening and support are happening and the homeschooling parent is still not making their spouse a priority.
And sometimes it's not about the homeschooling—homeschooling is just the "medium" around which troubles brew.
Obviously, there's no way for a layperson to untangle this, but I can tell you what I'd tell a friend. Consider couples counseling, and if your spouse has no interest, go to counseling on your own to try to get sorted out.
Your looking for ideas about this seems to be a good sign. I'll be pulling for you.
Jeanne
This article hits home in a big way. As a husband to a homeschooling queen you can get wrapped up in your own routine to not realize that she is also wrapped up even tighter in her daily routine. Taking the time out to realize that she needs your undivided attention when your around helps exponentially with alleviating the pressures of homeschooling. As my queen would say "Take care of home first!" Peace and Love
Thank you for this! I am definitely sharing this with my husband and other homeschool friends!
Thank you so very much for this article. I have been homeschooling for a while now and had never been able to tell my husband what I really needed. This article really hit home for me.