You've heard the African proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child." You've probably also noticed slap backs like, "I've seen the village and it's not raising my kids."
It Takes a Village
If we actually consider the proverb we see the wisdom it contains. Throughout nearly all eras of human history, parents weren't isolated from a supportive network of other people. Grandparents, siblings, cousins, and friends not only nurtured children, they made good parenting much easier. When a baby cried there were other arms to carry it or carry on the mother's tasks as she nursed. When a toddler played there were other eyes keeping watch. When a child was ready to learn there were people available to show him how to fashion reeds into a basket, to fish in the river, to tan hides, to choose the right plants to make medicines. When a teen sought role models there were many to emulate, people who had been guiding forces her whole life. Children grew up with an invaluable sense of connection to kinfolk and community.
Today we don't benefit from the educational richness of traditional village life where children can see and take part in the real work necessary to sustain life. Few of us live near extended family members. But we can foster the development of our own "villages" in at least three ways. Here's how it worked for me.
1. Find a supportive network.
When my first child arrived I didn't know another soul mothering a newborn. Although my parenting and life choices were far different than my mother's, I found myself calling her nearly every day. It was comforting to talk to someone who cared that I'd been up all night, even if I had to filter out suggestions like feeding rice cereal to a newborn. I also started attending a nearby Le Leche League group to be around other mothers with small babies. There I found women who shared ideas, laughter, and lightly used baby clothes.
When we began homeschooling, once again I felt isolated. All my friends' children were school bound. So I linked up with several homeschooling groups. Online is great but in-person is better in dozens of ways. My new homeschooling buddies and I had approaches to learning that spanned the spectrum from unschooling to school-at-home, but our lively conversations veered away from judgment. We cared about each other, looking forward to field trips and park days as much as our kids. We particularly enjoyed the way our kids' unique curiosities blended, creating the kind of quirky fun so typical of homeschooled kids.
2. Create a "chosen" extended family.
Sure, I felt closer to my parents once I became a mother, but I also needed to expand my tribe. The first woman I met with a newborn became like a sister to me. We didn't always agree on politics or religion but it didn't matter. As more children came into both our families we watched each other's kids, exchanged household items, went on day trips, and supported each other through crises.
My group of parent-friends expanded. This made it easy to take turns carpooling and babysitting. It also made for wonderfully boisterous get-togethers. My extended family also included a group of women who called themselves "crones," new farming friends, and an elderly Scottish bagpipe instructor. These people cast all sorts of light in our lives.
3. Develop rich connections in the community.
When I moved it took a year to meet the people across the street. It was not an overtly friendly place. I was determined to make it into a real neighborhood. I invited people over for potlucks, Halloween parties, and all sorts of kid-centric fun. When new families moved in, I greeted them with homemade goods and an invite to my next event. It became a place where my kids felt known and accepted. One son learned small engine repair from a retired man who liked to tinker, another son liked to visit the guy a few doors down who sculpted in stone, my daughter sang impromptu operas in the front yard without a moment's self-consciousness.
We stretched to make community connections as well. We struck up conversations that turned into remarkable learning experiences, giving us access to experts in all sorts of fields. My kids have spent years volunteering in Red Cross, recreation programs, wildlife rescue, and more. We make our home part of a larger village, for example hosting people from overseas, running a food co-op, and holding social action meetings. Like our home, the community became a place where my children's interests were nourished. We have a village now. Whatever direction we extend a hand, we find a friendly hand waiting.
Village building resources.
*Get in touch with family members, near or far. Reach out for support even if it doesn't come in the exact flavor you'd prefer.
*Connect with other parents at the park, playgroups, and nature preserve. Build mutually supportive networks by exchanging your time and talents.
*Join groups that sustain your interests in a positive way. Ask for information about homeschooling groups and programs at your public library. If you are nursing a child, try your local Le Leche League chapter. Consider joining the Holistic Moms Network.
*Enjoy the sense of belonging found in active membership in a church, charity, outdoor group, or any organization where families are welcome.
*Establish connections by becoming "regulars." You may choose to go out for breakfast each Saturday at the same locally owned place where the staff knows your kids. You may help out at a CSA farm as a family. You'll also feel more at home in your community through regular visits to your library, recreation center, and park.
*Be the neighbor you'd like to have. Extend kindness and warmth as you get to know people. Perform acts of service along with your kids, whether shoveling the driveway of an elderly neighbor or volunteering with Meals on Wheels. Even the smallest children can perform acts of kindness.
*Develop a tradition of community service. There are plenty of ways for kids, toddler to teen, can volunteer. And help them get involved in civic affairs, clubs, and community organizations. They're creating their own place in the village too.